Drinking, Drive-Thrus and Derrières
by Dotti3
Summary: No one quite makes mistakes like Kaneki Ken. Luckily for him, Tsukiyama Shuu and Nagachika Hideyoshi are there to make things even worse.


**Drinking,** **Drive-Thrus** **and Derrières**

 **A/N:** This is a wild ride. Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for lots of crack. And butt crack. In advance, I'm so sorry.

* * *

Kaneki Ken's life was full of mistakes.

If you were to give him multiple choices, with only one choice being incorrect, you could bet good money that he would pick the only option that would lead to tragedy. It was almost a talent of his.

A talent that really was nothing to brag about, that is.

He had started off the previous night by making a rather common mistake for people his age: succumbing to peer pressure. Since his peers had been Itori, Uta and an oddly talkative Yomo, the only natural consequence was intoxication. And intoxicated, he certainly was.

Honestly, he had only gone to Helter Skelter for information. Unfortunately, Itori had other plans and the night dissolved into drinking contests which Kaneki just had to win, because he was "the **FU** **cKING** **stronG**." While he certainly learned a lot about his own alcohol tolerance and heard a lot of gossip (Yomo was a very chatty drunk), he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to recall a damn thing.

Which was a damn shame, because he's pretty sure he heard something really important. His only consolation was that he'd scribbled it down on a piece of paper Uta had kindly given him which now sat safely folded in his pocket. He could only hope it was legible.

As it currently stands, Kaneki cannot stand any longer, let alone stagger his ass all the way back home. So he stumbles to the nearest curb, pathetically plops down and makes another horrible mistake.

He calls Tsukiyama.

Tsukiyama, who probably still wants to eat him. Or…something. He isn't so sure what the Gourmet wants to do with him anymore and he's equally sure that the man is just as clueless as he is. Regardless of Tsukiyama's intentions, sober Kaneki would never allow for drunken Kaneki to be alone with the guy. Unfortunately, drunken Kaneki is the one calling the shots.

"I'm next toooo," he draws the word out as his head lulls to gander at his right, "A pole. But not the fun, dancing kind. BUT that's not gonna stahp meeee -hic- A-a-and it has a red sign! With…1,2,3,4,5, 6…," counting further than six is impossible for him at the moment and he sardonically thinks that Yamori would be so disappointed in him. But he surges on, trying to describe his surroundings in the hope that Tsukiyama will find him, "shit it has a lot of sides. There's more than 6 sides? And it says…shit. No it doesn't say shit. Well maybe it does. Shit, I'm really drunk."

At the realization that he's so smashed that he can't even read, he begins to cry. "I can't even," he hiccups through his tears, "I can't _READ_ that's how fucked up I am right now."

"Be cool, Kaneki," Tsukiyama's initial panic when Kaneki began sobbing has died down to murmured assurances, but Kaneki can't really hear his comforting words with all the crying he's doing.

"R-reading is like," his voice catches harshly in his throat with emotion, "R-r-reading's the only thing I enjoy and now I can't even – And! And! Takatsuki Sen's got a new book coming out," oh no, now he's hyperventilating, because he has too many damn emotions when it comes to books, "And what if I NEVER read again? Hinami's gonna be – She'll be so saaaaad!"

Tsukiyama finally gets him to shut up by promising that he would just read the books to Kaneki. When Kaneki continues to whine about his woes, Shuu chuckles and it is oddly comforting to the dazed and confused man.

He must've slurred enough details about his location (that, or Tsukiyama had some sort of tracking device on him), because before he knows it, Tsukiyama has pulled up in front of him with a shiny, expensive looking car. Happy to be rescued from rotting on the curbside, he shrugs off his tears and the possibility of tracking devices, sloppily waving at his savior.

"Mon dieu, you're a hot mess," Tsukiyama exclaims when Kaneki does nothing but remain a pathetic puddle and make grabby hands at him, "As you wish, sweet Kaneki."

He can't move anymore, but Tsukiyama enthusiastically helps him (with plenty of unnecessary touching) crawl into the passenger seat. He even buckles him in (with even more unnecessary touching). How sweet (perverted) of him.

The car is small, but Kaneki is smaller, so it works out for him just fine. However, Tsukiyama has to comically slouch in the driver's seat. Kaneki idly wonders why the ostentatiously rich man chose this clown car to pick him up in. Or why he even owns it in the first place.

Perhaps, it's the car he least cares about. Or at least that's what Kaneki has begun to hope as the car ride and Tsukiyama's strong cologne start to trigger his nausea. With how crowded together they are, there's no escaping from the invasive scent. Speaking of scents...

It has now become clear to him that his chauffer is sniffing him. Kaneki wonders if it's because he smells bad after a night of reckless drinking. After Tsukiyama leans even closer for an even bigger whiff, Kaneki realizes that it's just Tsukiyama being Tsukiyama. His eyes are on the road, but it seems the rest of his senses are on Kaneki.

He also belatedly realizes the real reason this car was chosen. Such close quarters do tend to create a sense of intimacy. But it also is a terrible idea when your passenger is a drunk half-ghoul that is feeling vindictive. He looks at the nice upholstery and strongly considers spewing all over it just to spite Tsukiyama. That'd at least stop all his creepy sniffing.

But he opts to roll down his window instead. The cool breeze feels wonderful and isn't as intrusive as the cologne that was coiling around him. His relief is short lived though, as the cold starts to get to him and forces him to roll the window back up lest he become even more pathetic and ask for Tsukiyama's coat.

With nothing else to do, he goes back to complaining to his sidekick, "My head huuuuurts. And I feel siiiiick."

"My poor mon petite," Tsukiyama tutts, his eyes darting over to his pitiful passenger, "No worries, I'll get you back home in no time."

It is only then that Kaneki realizes one crucial, heart breaking truth. "I – I can't go home like this. H-hinami-chan! And the big guy with the strangely shaped facial hair! Not the one with the weird eyebrows, but the one with a weird beard –"

"Banjoi-san?"

"Yeah, that guy and his three musketeers," he begins to frantically gesture. He must've not been satisfied with just his two arms, because his Rinkaku tails pop out to further express his discontent.

Tsukiyama swears in a foreign language as the car swerves and the cab has become even more cramped. "Ca-Calmato! I won't take you home," he nervously promises.

"But I wanna go hooooome!" Kaneki miserably whines, "I wanna read a boooook."

"There, there," the driver distractedly soothes him, "We'll just have to get you sober and then you can go home and read all the books you want."

* * *

Fortunately for him, Tsukiyama is a little further along in the adult world and has learned the valuable skill of sobering up quickly. Since Kaneki absolutely refuses to gorge himself on 'food' and lacks the hand-eye-coordination to move, they end up ordering coffee from a McDonald's drive-thru while Tsukiyama bitterly complains about how unrefined the establishment is.

Kaneki doesn't really pay him any mind, trying to focus on keeping both his feelings and his tentacles from manifesting again.

But he really should have been paying more attention. He really should have.

Because next thing he registers is a familiar voice greeting them at the drive-thru window and then screaming his name.

"Hideeeee," he cries out once he recognizes his friend manning the drive-thru window. Not able to comprehend just how bad of an idea it is, Kaneki makes grabby hands at his best bud.

Being his best bud, naturally, Hide obliges him. And jumps right out of the fucking drive-thru window. In through the driver's small window. In one, smooth Olympic dive.

Tsukiyama and Kaneki would have been impressed, if Hide hadn't had scolding hot coffee in his hands.

But he did. And now the tiny car has erupted into chaos, as its three occupants screech in agony. Hide's butt began repeatedly slamming on the horn which inspired the cars behind them to toot their own horns in retaliation. Kaneki's tentacles popped back out to flail around, because once again, he felt flailing with just four limbs wasn't enough to express himself and his many emotions. The upholstery had been absolutely ruined. And Tsukiyama started screaming foreign obscenities which was actually the tamest reaction in the car.

Hide's coworkers yelled at him from the window, while his manager tried to tug him back by his foot. They were so busy scolding Hide and apologizing to their customers, they didn't even notice the tentacles wildly swinging about and whacking into all the faces they could reach. Unfortunately for everyone within a two meter distance, Kaneki was much too busy re-enacting the Wicked Witch's infamous "I'm melting" scene to pay any mind to his wayward tentacles.

Hide's manager had moved on to threatening to fire him, which Hide responded to by quitting and listing his many grievances against his employers. "You wouldn't even let me take a day off to celebrate the Backstreet Boys getting back together! You _knew_ how important that was to me! You bastards **_knew_**!"

"You absolute bastards!" Kaneki joined in, because he also knew how important American boy bands were to Hide.

"I'll never come back to this crap shack again! I DON'T NEED YOU AND YOUR SHIT MINIMUM WAGE. Me and my home boy - We outta here! Drive, pretty boy, drive!" Tsukiyama begrudgingly moved to do just that, only to be interrupted once more, "Wait! Wait! Before we leave, there's something I must do."

Hide awkwardly spread his legs and angled his head so that he was meeting his manager's stare. Despite being upside-down and peering through his own legs, Hide's gaze was the most serious it had ever been. "I would like to order a happy meal."

There was a collective groan of exasperation. Even Kaneki's tentacles seemed to deflate in embarrassment.

"Guess that's a no?" Tsukiyama drawled as Hide's red-faced manager slammed the window shut.

"The nerve! Those bastards!" Hide fumed with Kaneki once again parroting him, because he apparently loved yelling cuss words, "That's it. THAT. IS. IT. I've had enough of their shit, the cheeks are coming out! C'mon, pretty boy, pants me so that I can show those assholes a real ass hole! This gonna be a full moon like they never seen!"

"Non, n-non," Tsukiyama struggled, trying to keep Hide from mooning his ex-coworkers.

"C'mon, 'Neki! Off with your knickers! Don't be shy," the worked up bottle blonde tried to encourage his friend, "You get your skinny ass up here!"

Still quite drunk, Kaneki thought this was a wonderful idea.

"Non! Kaneki, keep your pants – KEEP YOUR DAMN PANTALOONS ON!" Tsukiyama never thought he'd be yelling that or having to discourage the prudish Kaneki from taking his clothes off, but here he was. The only sane man in this clown car. At least, Kaneki had the excuse of being drunk to explain his behavior.

Tsukiyama resolved the issue before any public indecency could occur by simply driving off to the sound of many angry customers blaring their horns at them for the hold up. It didn't matter much, since Hide's butt had resumed honking after its failed attempt to expose itself and express its anger.

"St-Stop!" Tsukiyama had begun swatting at the offending bum, "CONTROL YOUR ASS!"

"I CAN'T! IT'S ON A RAMPAGE!" Hide cried back, honestly trying his best to maneuver away with one leg still sticking out of the driver's side. "If Kaneki would just put the tenta – KANEKI IT IS NOT THE TIME FOR TENTACLE PORN. PUT THOSE SLIMY THINGS AWAY."

"They're just curious," Kaneki defended in a wobbly voice. He was this close to breaking down again. "I-I don't feel so good, guys."

"Oh no. No no no Kaneki don't you **dare** throw up on-" Hide tried to dissuade him.

But it was too late. Once more, the tiny clown car swerved as its occupants descended into chaos of honking, tentacle slapping, yelling and crying.

In the aftermath, there was only three very broken men stuffed into a tiny car that reeked of burnt coffee and regurgitated ghouls.

"Mon Dieu," Tsukiyama, now seriously regretting his vehicle choice, muttered, "It's everywhere."

"An eyeball," Kaneki muttered lifelessly, "I threw up a whole eyeball."

"Let's just-," Hide, equally traumatized, "Let's just go home, you guys."

With solemn agreements all around, the three headed back to their base to do the worst walk of shame any one has ever seen.

* * *

The next morning is just awful for them all.

After a very unsexy group shower, the traumatized trio had flopped into Kaneki's bed for an impromptu sleep over. While Tsukiyama and Hide hadn't consumed even a drop of alcohol, they felt just as hungover as Kaneki when the daylight pried them from their sleep.

Holding onto each other for dear life, they only barely manage to make it to the kitchen under the disappointed gazes of Hinami and Banjou. Instead of sheilding Kaneki's dear baby sister from the sight of her smashed brother, Banjou has decided to make this a life lesson for her and has been quietly narrating about the dangers of alcohol. As humiliated as Kaneki is, he is a good brother and tearfully urges her to listen to wise bearded man.

Kaneki at least hopes he has fetched valuable information from his wild night out. He should really know better than to hope, but he slowly unfolds the paper anyway. Unfortunately, his drunken illiteracy is still active, so he sniffles a little and hands it off to his designated-reader.

"Itori 38C? Bara King Yomo 42DD? Uta Negative A?" Tsukiyama helpfully reads to him. It still didn't make sense to him, "You drew hearts around Yomo's name."

"Oh nooooo," Kaneki groans, because this is the worst and he wants to die. Though Tsukiyama might still be confused, Hide has begun cackling which is never a good sign for Kaneki.

"This nerd sure loves his b-books," Hide barely manages to gasp out between his chortles, "BUT! hehe butts haha -Buuut what he loves **mos** t is…," Hide trails off as he dramatically starts a drum roll with his fingers. It oddly compliments the loud thumps of Kaneki banging his head on the table. Hide makes a mental note for Kaneki and himself to start a band, after he's done embarrassing him. "BOoBIES. Titties. Big o' chests that jiggle. Yes sir, Kaneki here is a real bookworm and boob-man. A boob-worm if you will. Oh hell, that was funny. Write that shit down, Pretty Boy. It's good to see that Kaneki still has his priorities straight."

Tsukiyama tries to look at the alleged boob-man, but he has curled into a compact ball of shame. It has to be true, because it would perfectly explain why Kaneki is so vehement in keeping Banjou around. He then shoots his own chest a speculative look and wonders if there is such a thing as ghoul-chest implants, before peering back at the note in his hands.

"Oh wait someone wrote something on the back! It's a phone num – Seriously?" the Gourmet trails off, his face pinched in irritation, "Yomo gave you his number? He wrote 'Call me XOXO Babe'. At least, I think that's what it says."

"But I already have his number!" Kaneki hysterically laments from his fetal form of failure.

"Then maybe you should call him, Babe," Hide purred, making obnoxious kissy faces at him.

* * *

Even after the ordeal, the effects still linger.

Dr. Kanou receives a strange phone call inquiring about the possibility of ghoul chest implants ("I mean, you do Kakuhou implants and I am bravely willing to volunteer here. Surely you can - What do you mean it's different? Look, money isn't an option and hello? Bonjour? He hung up? Are you Fuccckin' kidding me?")

Shachi receives an anonymous message that claims he is the "True One-Eyed Bara Tiddy King". The ever brilliant CCG has caught wind of this and are now all over his ass, because they believe he is the "One-Eyed King". Shachi still hasn't found the sender, but when he does, he is going to suffocate them with his over-sized pecs. Hide has made a valiant effort to keep his friend from such information, even if it is one hell of a way to go in his opinion.

Speaking of Hide, he has begun working at the CCG. They were apparently that desperate for new recruits.

The Backstreet Boys have since broken up, leaving Hide in a coma of depression. Luckily, Kaneki was there to support him this time.

Yomo did indeed get a phone call. Unfortunately, it was just a butt-call from Hide. His butt still cannot be tamed. One can even say that it's a _cheeky_ little thing.

Kaneki Ken is no longer a boob-man after surviving one encounter with Arima Kishou. He has proudly converted to an ass-man and has begun referring to his muse as "Special Ass Investigator Arima-san". Unfortunately for the Reaper, the new epithet is wildly popular and sticks. He becomes known as the CCG's "Special Ass Investigator".

In response, Dr. Kanou receives a follow-up call that is just as strange as the first. This time, the desperate ghoul is inquiring about the possibility of ghoul butt implants. The good doctor's answer is still something akin to a hell no. Even so, he begins drafting some plans after acknowledging that his impressive backside might just be the source of the Shinigami's power. ("Special Ass Investigator, indeed.")

His reputation tarnished, Arima Kishou has vowed to hunt down the ghoul who ruined his life and _ass_ **ass** inate them. The "Special Ass Investigator Arima" and the "True One-Eyed Bara Tidy King" have no idea they are looking for the same person (pervert). Hide is also trying to desperately _hide_ this information from a certain half-ghoul friend of his. Speaking of Naga **cheek** a...

Now an ass-man forevermore, Kaneki has begun noticing and appreciating his best friend's outrageous and outspoken bum. A once hopeless Hide, has never been happier. The wedding has been set to happen on March 3rd. Coincidentally, on a devastated Tsukiyama's birthday.

Last, but not least, Hinami never drinks a drop of alcohol in her entire long life.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** So this is my first completed Tokyo Ghoul fic? You can see where my priorities are. I don't even have an explanation anymore. Originally, I just wanted to write Hide and Kaneki reuniting at a drive-thru window (didn't Hide have a job before he joined the CCG?) and then it just - It just mutated and grew into...into this...thing? What even is this anymore. I'm pretty sure there are lots of errors. Oh well, it was super fun to write. I needed some humor after trying to write angst/horror.

Is this bad? Is this good? Is this so bad that it's actually good? Please tell me, I plead of you, because I honestly have no clue anymore. Yes, I still have the audacity to beg for reviews. Any feedback, will be much appreciated ;')

And most importantly, **thank you** for reading this. Truly, you are the real mvp for sticking it out this long. Please have a wonderful day and please, for the love of Hinami, **please** stay away from alcohol and stay out of tiny-ass clown cars.

That is all.

 **~Dotti3**


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